I’m not going to lie. Sitting down to write this letter was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. Dealing with the loss of two babies in the same year destroyed me. I feel like I lost a huge part of myself and my heart aches whenever I have thoughts about what happened. I’ve managed to get myself trapped in a place where all I can think about is the bad. I think about everything being pulled out from under me in the most exciting moment of my life. I think about how much it hurt to be pregnant one day, and not pregnant the next. I think about all the struggles I’ve had with my friends and family, all the relationships that were strained because of what I was going through. I think about all the small details- even the hard ones. I think about watching my babies disappear right in front of my eyes. These feelings are real. And they are strong. I keep being told that with time they will slowly start to go away but then I found out I was pregnant for a third time. I felt like I no longer had time- I needed to let these feelings go, and the sooner the better because I want nothing but happiness and excitement for this new little baby.
I realized that I needed help so I started going to therapy. It was there that I learned that everything I was going through was completely normal and okay. I learned that I can forgive myself and that it’s not my fault. I learned that I have bottled up all my sad feelings and fears for the past year and that I never actually dealt with what happened. I learned that I never truly took care of myself and that I never gave myself permission to heal from these losses. Even just hearing those words made my life a little easier. One of my “homework” assignments was to write a letter to my unborn babies- as a way to honor them and say my goodbyes. So there I sat, trying to find the right words- not quite sure what to say. I struggled for a while but then I had an idea. When Aaron and I decided it was time to start a family I started this blog- I wanted a way to remember all the exciting times that were about to happen. I opened my blog and started reading all my posts from those first two pregnancies. I was reminded of my happiness and how much I loved and cared for those babies even though it was so early in the pregnancy. I believed that those babies could feel that, they knew that I loved them. I called the first baby Little One and the second Baby J. It’s time for me to honor them, and time for me to say goodbye. I will never forget them, but I need to let all the bad feelings go so that I am only left with the good ones.
Little One and Baby J,
You will always be my babies. You were a huge part of my life from the second I found out you existed. When I look back and read what I wrote about you, it’s so clear to me. I loved you. With my whole heart. And it’s as simple as that. For the brief moment you were with me, you were my world. You brought me nothing but happiness and excitement for my future. You changed my outlook on life and brought me an incredible joy. Your Dad and I couldn’t stop talking about you. We began to plan our future and could easily see how amazing our lives would be with you in it. We couldn’t wait to share the news with our families, we knew that they would be just as excited that you were going to join our family.
Both of you were, and still are, a part of me. A part of me that I will never let go. You will always be in my heart. I know that you are in heaven looking down on me, and I know that you will watch over your little brother or sister throughout each exciting step of their life. By writing this letter I am letting go of a huge weight that I have been carrying around for a long time. I want to show you my strength, and show you who I really am. I’m so grateful that you will always be with me. There is a huge comfort in knowing that you are looking down on me and that you will be there with me as I raise this new little baby that will be joining our family. I want you both to know that I will be thinking of you each step of the way- every small moment. You are members of this family and you will always be in our thoughts and prayers. Please watch over us and help guide us to make all the best choices when raising this baby. Please help me to stay strong and to never let my happiness and joy slip away. Help me to love my family always, and be the best mom I can be.
I know that someday I will be with you- I will finally meet you, and hold you. Until then I want you both to know that you are loved. Promise to keep each other safe and know that you will always be in my heart. When I was younger I had a hard time going to school because I would miss my mom too much- my mom gave me a piece of her jewelry to wear so that whenever I felt alone I could look at it and know that she was at home waiting for me. I can’t give you something of mine so that you know that I will always be here for you, but I can leave you with a little poem. If you ever feel alone or sad just say this little poem to yourself and think of me:
“Goodbyes are not forever; goodbyes are the not end. They simply mean “I’ll miss you”, until we meet again.”
I’ll love you always.
Mom and Dad