My heart hurts. I am having a second miscarriage. I’m shocked that is happening again. My immediate reaction was sadness of course, but this time around I also felt angry. I’m angry that I have to suffer through this again. I’m angry that everyone around me appears to be having babies with no problems at all. I’m extremely sad that the baby is gone. I noticed about a week ago that my nausea began to go away. I had a feeling something was off. On Friday morning I began to bleed and went to the doctor later that day to confirm the miscarriage. By the end of the day I was in a lot of pain and so upset. It was tough this time around because Aaron was at a conference in Seattle, so I had to spend the night alone. I cried myself to sleep and prayed that it wouldn’t take long.
When I woke up the next morning I felt those same sad and angry feelings the second I opened my eyes. I laid in bed and began to think of all the reasons this could be happening. After talking with the doctor I realized that I could have a clotting or thyroid problem that is causing the reoccurring miscarriages. I decided in that moment that I would take the steps I needed to make sure this was not the case, or at least get the medicine I needed to fix the problem. Later that day I called the doctor and scheduled an appointment for the proper tests that will tell me if this is true. The next thought I had was this:
“Everything happens for a reason.”
So what are the reasons this could be happening? Maybe I’m meant to go to Ohio, start my job and get my life in order before I have a baby. Maybe I’m meant to travel to Italy and wine taste with the love of my life. Maybe there really is something wrong with me and this needs to get sorted out before I can bring a healthy baby into this world. Whatever the reason, I decided that I would handle this differently than I did the first time. I know that I am a strong woman and I know that I can handle this. I understand that it’s completely okay to feel sad. I’m allowed to cry and take some time for myself to heal.
Before I even got out of bed that morning I decided to be strong. To stand up, brush off the dust and be thankful for all the good in my life. I have a husband who I love with all my heart, and I know without doubt that he loves me. I have a supportive family who is there for me any time I need. I have friends who understand me and who I love spending time with. I have many fun trips coming up- including a week in Italy and a big move to Ohio to start a whole new life. How can I be sad? How can I be angry? I am truly blessed.
This time around I’m thankful for the exciting times I had with Aaron as we celebrated the pregnancy. I’m thankful for all the fun conversations we had about what life would be like with a cute little baby. I’m thankful for every last symptom I had- from the all delicious fruit I craved to the morning sickness that made me not want to eat. I’m thankful for knowing that I can get pregnant and I’m thankful that I understand how important patience is in matters like this.
Everything is going to be okay. It always is. I have complete control of how I handle my life- both the good and the bad. I’m going to work with the doctors to make sure that everything is okay. And I’m going to continue to enjoy each moment in my life, taking one day at a time. The next time I post it will be all about our trip to Italy. Isn’t that exciting? So much good in my life- so much to celebrate, and someday one of those good things will be the birth of our first child. But until then- I choose to stay strong, keep smiling and enjoy a nice glass of Italian wine with my main man 🙂
A note to Baby J– Your Dad and I loved you so much. You gave us smiles and excitement each and every day. We thank you for that and we know that heaven just got a little bit sweeter with you there.